The King's Speech

My mother used to complain about people who butchered the "king's English." Proper use of language was of paramount importance to Mom, and her daughters were roundly chastised for poor elocution. I remember slaps on the wrist when I committed grammatical errors. Like any child, I detested such corrections and wondered why she made a federal case out of every slip. Years later, I'm grateful for her high standards. Everywhere we turn in today's media-saturated, info-overload world we see and hear unforgivable fracturing of our native tongue. From print to broadcast to the average Joe's daily dish, we sound like blithering ignoramuses. The atmosphere is replete with examples but I'll focus on just a few linguistic sins.

It really chaps my butt to hear people misuse "I" and "me." How many times must we endure guests on talk shows say "It was really painful for my wife and I to put our son in rehab." Omitting the spouse from the sentence it reads, "It was really painful for I to put my son in rehab." It's like music: you hear a flat note, it stands out, it doesn't ring, it's obvious. Not to scores of interview subjects, who would routinely add, "Me and my husband wanted to kick Junior to the curb." News anchors, clergymen, sports commentators--they're all guilty.

Another glaring pet peeve: "is" versus "are." The politician will opine, "This is just the facts the American people are dealing with." Memo to members of Congress: These are the facts, etc. or It's just a fact Americans are dealing with every day. Invented words are an odious verbal assault we're subjected to in current discourse. Words that your grandfather wouldn't recognize. I'm talking about relatable. One can relate to the aggrieved parent who had to confiscate Johnny's twelve-pack and knock some sense into him. But I don't find said parent relatable because it just doesn't sound right. In fact, as I'm typing this, relatable is highlighted in red by the spell check feature. Yes, the online dictionary claims incentivize is a word but I'd just as soon hear the comment "we need to provide incentives." The spell checker lit up on that one too. Also, technically speaking, impacts should not be used as a verb. It's what happens when you're rear-ended in rush hour traffic. Or "my stickler of a mother had an impact on my blog post today."

So what are we to do with a nation of grammatically-challenged nincompoops? Good conversation, like charity, begins at home. If we want our children to retain any vestige of the king's speech we need to converse ably ourselves. To wit, my youngest son once reported to me that a friend of his didn't like being in our house "because [we] used big words." My answer? Book a different playdate. The bar has been substantially lowered, folks. Let's try some old Henry Higgins-style education. The next time you hear a talking head on TV screw up his syntax, fire off an email. Text or Twitter about it. Arrest the prevailing downward trend in the world of letters, lest we be left in tatters. Bring back the Noel Coward bon mot! Dare to dust up your diction! That way we can all be as pithy as Colin Firth accepting his Oscar.