Sunday, August 29, 2010

Palin's Politics

I think I'm ready to run for political office. I have no qualifications to speak of; I never served on the student council or chaired a single committee for the PTSA. I don't attend homeowners association meetings. I don't go to public hearings given by the zoning board. But I have opinions, lots of them. I'm reasonably attractive for my age, have raised three children and had several careers. I'm intelligent and articulate. But I've never been to Alaska, written talking points on my hand or won a beauty contest. I transferred from one college to another, stayed there and got a degree...on time. My seal of approval does not get anybody elected. I don't speak in generalities, wink and say "You betcha." So maybe I'm not cut out for politics.

In other words, I'm not Sarah Palin. She has better skin, whiter teeth and a pricier wardrobe. She knows how to fish and hunt. I don't have a Twitter account. I'm several years older than Sarah. Men look twice at me but not three or four times. I came of age with the real feminist movement and marched for choice in D.C. I guess that leaves me out. Except in a case of self-defense, I would never kill a moose or polar bear. I don't spy on Putin from my kitchen window. What can I possibly offer my country?

I do have great legs but varicose veins invaded them. I could stand to lose five to ten more pounds. I'm a semi-vegetarian and I can effectively describe the Bush doctrine. No, there's no hope for me. I don't want to cut rich people's taxes. Not in a tanking economy with nearly 10% unemployment and startling new statistics showing we're going downhill financially. To reinvent myself as a high-powered female political machine I'll need Botox, a fanny lift and fresh peroxide on my hair. I'll need to stay mum about foreign policy and forget who's leading what country. I must brush up my use of cliches, embrace a decades-old Republican party line and rethink my teaching of sex education. No more condoms for my boys--just zip it.

I'd better quit while I'm ahead, stop reading the New York Times. Purge all records of having cast my first presidential campaign vote for Carter and working for Obama. Who needs a free-thinking liberal Boomer who doesn't have a legal trail, and wouldn't feel comfortable charging taxpayers with redecorating her governor's office? No Paul, my husband of nearly 25 years, forget about becoming the First Dude. How can we package our couplehood if we don't have a daughter who's given birth out of wedlock? It takes cojones to stand with Sarah, to usher in a Year of The Woman in Washington. Nope, no public service for a gal like me who'd like to help poor, unappealing women get a leg up the ladder. And heavens to Betsy, I'd have to proclaim: That Supreme Court needs an injection of conservative testosterone! I definitely don't have what it takes. Not with an A in debate class on my high school transcript.

Oh well, I wouldn't look good as a brunette anyway.